Tabaash - channeled by Blair Styra

Blair's Blurb

 

 

August 2012

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The life that we are creating is forever being formed by the many changing events that occur around us and to us.

There is never a day where we are not being made to look at who we are and how we are living our lives.

Our lives are so intricately woven together on all levels and we have all experienced life changing events that have been brought about by what happens to people who are strangers to us and of course those who dearest to us.

There have been two major catalysts for me personally that have directed and changed me, made me look at life and the role that I was playing in that life.

The first was in the late 1980’s when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time the prognosis was not good and the surgeon of the time suggested that my wife put all her affairs in order. She underwent a mastectomy and 6 months of chemotherapy.

It was this event that eventually led to the discovery of my ability as a channel for spirit. It was the catalyst that made me sit up and look at what I was as a spiritual being, and this event began our journey into life in mind, body, spirit. And of course this has changed my life in ways that I would never have thought it would. Being involved so consciously in that part of your life makes you very aware of yourself and very aware of the bigger picture.

It has challenged me on all levels and has made me be brutal in my honesty to myself.

The phrase,” walking your talk” is harder then you think, as I’m sure many people have discovered in their own spiritual journey. My wife was to survive her cancer against all the odds and yet here we find ourselves more then 22 years later once again faced with another challenge, another catalyst for change and once again it has been my wife who has provided us with this.

 

A couple of weeks ago it was confirmed that she has Alzheimer’s.

I have had my suspicions for sometime so was prepared for what the Doctors were saying, and yet after subjecting my wife to every test possible it was still a shock to hear that this is the outcome of all we have being going through these last few months.

And so suddenly in a moment your life once again changes.

One has waved the wand of life to bring about yet more opportunities to grow, more ways of being aware of the fact that we are daily creating our own reality, more ways of yourself looking up and going “OK WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS ONE”? What indeed?

 

Where do you stand when all of this happens?

Being a Libran who likes structure and balance my initial reaction was to get terribly organized.

A friend of mine once said in an endearing way that I was a control freak so I put this into very good use over the last few months making sure everything was as balanced as possible to ensure the safety and comfort of my wife and her needs.

As I watch her switch switches off I have to be aware of switching new ones on for myself.

 

The change in my wife has been very swift and everyday I feel like I am saying good-bye to her.

One day she thought that she was going to die and that she only had one month left to live. She clung to me that day sobbing that she only had one more month to love me.

This has been a recurring theme in her illness, this believing she was going to die.

I think all the tests she has been having at the hospital triggered off memories of when she had cancer and we were making numerous trips to the hospital.

She gets this idea in her head that she is going to die and thinks about it for days and days then it all erupts in tears.

This morning I found her laying on the floor crying because she thought she had a brain tumour and that she only had a few days to live.

We have planned a short trip to Auckland and she keeps saying that she can’t go as she might die while she is there. 

While we were at the hospital recently the doctor assured her that she did not have a terminal illness and that she had Alzheimer’s.

She looked up at him a big smile in her face and said, “Well, thank God for that!”

All of this certainly keeps you in the present and keeps you very aware and careful of the responses that you give.

Some days she is like this wonderful innocent child amazed at all things around her and other days she looks like a trapped wild animal wanting to escape.

It’s awful to have someone you love looking at you like you are the enemy.

We have so much in front of us and as much as you can be prepared you are never really prepared.

This is really living moment by moment, really being aware of your responses and actions, knowing they could be misconstrued in an instant. It’s a time of great patience and compassion and time to reassure and a time to do all the driving.

 

We all sign up for our lives and what they represent, I suppose in a way we come in with this signed blank cheque, you never know what the cost will be.

All that is happening makes me evaluate my life and where I stand, what roads I have travelled. It makes me more conscious of the choices that we make in life and how we all walk the very fine line. It makes me also aware of being very present and not letting the past or the future for that matter distract me.

We all carry all our life’s experiences with us and it is our choice to how we carry these and the effects that these choices have in our life.

Last week while working in Christchurch I was walking through Hagley Park on a cold crisp crunchy morning. I was thinking about all that was changing because of my wife’s condition, and it occurred to me that I am saying goodbye not just to my wife, but also to all we have shared. The conversations that will be no more, the little private jokes we have, the marriage language that all couples have.

It struck me then that I am also saying goodbye to our marriage, it will never be the same. That chocked me up and a little strangled sob escaped from my throat.

I feel so many things at the present and at times I feel nothing.

 

I carry on as normal with my work apart from the fact I can’t travel away now.

We were always a team me and my wife and it feels really odd going solo like this. We all sign up for our life and wherever we stand we must remember that this is where I want to be, this is the place that is offering me a deal in life that I will learn from and observe from and most importantly serve from.

This is my life and I am very proud and grateful to be living it.

 

Love to you all
Blair

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